


The Beach City Problem

by silveradept



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, Government Conspiracy, Transcripts, Worldbuilding, movie review
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-14 07:06:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18047873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silveradept/pseuds/silveradept
Summary: Two transcripts and a movie review, recently obtained, that hint that the government has always known about the Crystal Gems...and has tried their best to make sure the rest of us just think it's Beach City being Weird.





	The Beach City Problem

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Teaotter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teaotter/gifts).



PRESS BRIEFING  
JANUARY 31  
EXCERPT OF OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT -- RE: FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT REQUEST #DM1554190 - DOCUMENT 1 OF 2

[...EXCERPT BEGINS...]

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, Sarah?

SARAH SANDSTONE: Mx. President, there are eyewitness reports of a resurgence in Crystal Gem activity in the state of Delmarva.

THE PRESIDENT: You really shouldn't treat _Keep Beach City Weird_ as an authoritative source, Sarah. [chuckles] These days, you can fake anything and put it on TubeTube.

SARAH SANDSTONE: [with emphasis] _Multiple sources_ report eyewitness activity by Crystal Gems in the state of Delmarva. _They exist_ , Mx. President, and the people of the United States need to know if there's a plan should they decide to use their powers against us. How will you keep the humans safe if the Crystal Gems attack us?

THE PRESIDENT: Sarah, we've gone over this. I'm not disputing that the Crystal Gems exist. They certainly left behind more than enough archeological evidence of that. But, Columbia's obsession with _The Geminator_ franchise notwithstanding, there are no active Crystal Gems in the United States. Or on the planet. The START treaties addressed what would happen if a Gem appeared in our world. We'll cross that bridge if we ever get to it.

SARAH SANDSTONE: Mx. President--

THE PRESIDENT: --I've said all I'm going to. Jason.

JASON CARBUNCLE: Thank you, Mx. President. The Ruby Party said they planned on introducing legislation to replace the diamond as the official symbol of the United States, calling it an "outdated reminder of subjugation and slavery." and declaring that it was time for humans to adopt a better symbol of their triumph against the Diamond Authority. Do you have a comment?

THE PRESIDENT: Not really, no. I'm fairly certain the Rubies and the Sapphires will have a vigorous debate on the matter, but frankly, I'd be surprised if they find enough common ground these days to get any bill passed.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, everyone. You can expect a briefing tomorrow from the press secretary.

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

\---

[STAMP: SECRET] [Stamp has been struck through.]  
[STAMP: DECLASSIFIED]  
[STAMP: NARA]  
WHITE HOUSE MEETING  
MARCH 3  
EXCERPT OF OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT -- RE: FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT REQUEST #DM1554190 - DOCUMENT 2 OF 2

THE PRESIDENT: Cash, it's nice to see you. How is Bill doing?

GOVERNOR CHARLES "CASH" DEWEY, S-DM: Fine, thank you, Mx. President. He's having a little bit of a reelection scare from one of the residents, but we're petty sure the Dewey Machine will pull through.

THE PRESIDENT: And Buck?

GOVERNOR DEWEY: Still a kid.

THE PRESIDENT: Any interest in politics?

GOVERNOR DEWEY: No. Wants to be a "TubeTube influencer," whatever that means. Bill says he might be joining a band.

THE PRESIDENT: [chuckling] Kids these days. What will they think of next?

GOVERNOR DEWEY: I don't know.

THE PRESIDENT: Neither do I. Be sure to say hello when you see them next.

GOVERNOR DEWEY: I will, Mx. President.

THE PRESIDENT: Pleasantries aside, Cash, we have a problem.

GOVERNOR DEWEY: Mx. President?

THE PRESIDENT: Sarah Sandstone continues to hound me about the presence of Crystal Gems in Beach City. I don't know what Bill is doing down there, but he's not doing enough to keep things under wraps. Of word gets out to the rest of the country that we're hiding Crystal Gems in Delmarva, we're cracked.

GOVERNOR DEWEY: Mx. President, Bill is doing the best he can. I can try to have him lean harder on Fryman or ask him to take his blog down, but he would only put it back up in a hundred new places. It would make us look like we had something to hide, and you know that's catnip for the conspiracy theorists.

THE PRESIDENT: _They're classified as bio-weapons, Cash!_ Forget START, we'd be liable under the shattering Geneva Conventions!

GOVERNOR DEWEY: I appreciate the gravity of the situation, Mx. President. [cough] Fryman is still pretty easy to discredit, though. For the "foremost authority on Crystal Gems," he still doesn't know nearly enough about journalism to make a coherent, well-supported argument that any respectable news person might take seriously.

THE PRESIDENT: Fryman might not, but even Sarah Sandstone could figure out a way to make something believable if she decided she wanted to go straight to Beach City, Fryman could give her the excuse if he sounded even marginally less insane than he does right now.

GOVERNOR DEWEY: Bill keeps asking me if there's something I can do to make his city better and his campaign more secure. I doubt revealing the existence of the Crystal Gems would help him. [pauses] I don't know what we can do, Mx. President.

THE PRESIDENT: Actually, you've given me an idea.

GOVERNOR DEWEY: Yes?

THE PRESIDENT: I still have a few friends in Columbia that haven't sworn me off now that I'm a political big shot. What do you think about having them film Dogcopter 4 in Beach City?

GOVERNOR DEWEY: I'm not sure that's a good idea. I thought the last thing we wanted to do was attract tourists and attention to Beach City.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, maybe not Dogcopter 4, then. What about something like the next Geminator, or a live-action version of Lonely Blade, where he has to fight some sort of weird spirit monster?

GOVERNOR DEWEY: I think those are reasons why you should probably stick to campaign speeches, Mx. President. Delmarva doesn't have the same kind of infrastructure for filming big budget movies like Columbia does. And setting a movie in Beach City would almost guarantee that someone who does have credibility would see a Crystal Gem and capture them on film.

THE PRESIDENT: That's what we would want, but if it's going to be an effects-heavy blockbuster, we could always claim it was the stunt people playing around. It would be a great cover.

GOVERNOR DEWEY: And if someone really got hurt from the Crystal Gems, or the things those Crystal Gems fight? It would be a lot to sweep it under the rug as an "industrial accident" or something similar.

THE PRESIDENT: I feel like we have to do something before the situation gets out of control.

GOVERNOR DEWEY: That's what got Nixon impeached. Trying to "do something" when there wasn't anything he could do.

[PAUSE]

THE PRESIDENT: I'm not hearing any suggestions from you, Cash.

GOVERNOR DEWEY: I think there's a good idea there, Mx. President, but you might have gotten the genre wrong when conceiving it.

THE PRESIDENT: Oh, really?

GOVERNOR DEWEY: Yes. I think I might be able to commission a screenplay that will work, under the guide of trying to bring film and tourism to Delmarva. If you can get a studio to buy it, we might have our ticket to a really good cover story.

THE PRESIDENT: I like the sound of that. Make it happen, Cash. Sooner, rather than later.

GOVERNOR DEWEY: Yes, Mx. President. I'm sure there's at least one thespian who thinks they've got a great screenplay idea I can encourage.

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

\---

DELMARVA CITY TIMES  
AUGUST 8  
ARTS SECTION, P. B7

"Kindergarten Iota" A Found-Footage Del-marvel

by Rubee Jones

90 Minutes, Rated R for violence and strong language  
Rating: 🌟 🌟 🌟 🌟

I have to admit, I was a skeptic about any sort of "found-footage evil creature chases foolish students that let it out of its cage" movie, after the cringe-worthy flops of "G/E/M" and "The Keystone Witch Project," but Jamie Sterling's "Kindergarten Iota" manages to avoid being a film entirely about shaky cameras running through the woods while something that is never fully seen chases.

For one thing, it's set in and filmed in Beach City, not exactly known for its heavily wooded areas. Because Beach City is so bright and cheerful, it lulls the audience into thinking that things might not be as bad as we think they are, but then the camera turns and lingers just a little too long on the giant statue of a Gem just outside of Beach City's limits, and we're reminded that, at least for the movie, there are vicious creatures among this sunny seaside town.

Director Patricia Onyx's third film asks us to believe that journalist Karen Jasper (Jemma Grisholm) has uncovered a conspiracy of government officials (led by Patrick Sardonyx) to keep Gems hidden in "Sand Town" and using them to silence people who get too close to the wider conspiracy that the government has been growing Gems in secret to use for the next Gem War. The narrative unfolds over different clips, shot in at least some anachronic order. While the movie would like us to believe we're seeing footage shot by a cell phone for many of these clips, their lo-fi interpretation is still several degrees clearer than many of the cell pones that I know of.

Especially when it comes to the supposed residents of the Gem Kindergarten. While there are lots of over-the-shoulder shots where there's "something" in the background, or a pan that has a flash of color disappearing, it's always meant to draw the eyes toward the thing that's out of place, rather than let us believe that we somehow missed it because it blended in so well. A little more subtlety in color choices would have gone a long way.

Thankfully, "Kindergaren Iota" also avoids overstaying its welcome. At a quick-paced 90 minutes, there's just enough time for a little storytelling in between the various clips of the narrator running or trying to peek around a corner and catch a glimpse of something before being seen and a new segment starting. Or, in what might be the most memorable scene of the entire movie, the "phone" gets dropped in just such a way that the audience can see an ugly struggle that ends with what appears to be someone getting their eye stabbed with a letter-opener. For a movie that generally avoided the idea of gore, the blood and dirty fighting in this scene provides a stark contrast.

The soundtrack is appropriately minimalist. You can hear something like a death-metal band practicing in the background in some of the shots, but the filmmakers have insisted that no music was commissioned for the film, and there aren't any jump scare cues or out-of-context strings. The lack of sound cues and a musical score often helps make the movie scarier than it has any right to be.

"Kingergarten Iota" has the potential to become a cult classic, although I think that has more to do with the rumors that surrounded the production suggesting that sometimes when the camera caught a Crystal Gem, it wasn't one of the well-trained stunt performers adding some mystery to the town. As a marketing tool, we've seen this before, but there's always going to be _someone_ who takes what they're fed by Columbia seriously and tries to go find Gems in Beach City.

"Kindergarten Iota" starts August 10 in select theaters nationwide.


End file.
